Hey there champ! Did you just get your brand new copy of Final Fantasy XIII for your system of choice? Well you’re in for a time buddy let me tell you! Did you know you can break down the average user experience of someone who plays Final Fantasy XIII into six simple stages? Let’s take a look at them now!

STAGE ONE: Happiness (Hours 1-5)

Here you are fresh from your store of choice. You just spent a hefty chuck on of change or traded in some really treasured games on FF. You loved all the others…even Nine…hell even Final Fantasy X2. You sit down and open up your system and with trepidation and excitement you put in your disc. The game loads up and you begin. You’re first few hours are really slow and seem odd but hey, your just getting started and a little hand holding is expected right? I bet your thinking it’s going to pick up really soon.

STAGE TWO: Confusion (Hours 6-20)

Well you would be wrong! In fact, dead wrong! You’re going to be going straight hallway after straight hallway with only two members of your team for a long…long…LONG time. Oh and you best get used to nothing making a bit of sense. You see in past Final Fantasy games too much time was wasted on explaining things like plot…or why the characters decide to take the actions they take. FFXIII is far to concerned with making speeches that don’t really make sense but try to illicit emotional responses that are unearned.

STAGE THREE: Anger (Hours 21-55)

At this point your getting pretty steamed. Even though the game was nice enough to give you a small bit of fun when you finally get to do some side missions, your fleeting joy saddens when you realize that eventually your going to have to go back to the pointless story. They combat is so fun, yet they never give you a break from it so you can savor it and take a breather. The characters you enjoyed at first, then later put up with, are now gnawing on your last nerve with their stupid stupid over dramatic dialogues.

STAGE FOUR: Hate (Hours 55-85)

You get to the end of the game and have had enough. The harsh realization that your never getting all of that $60 back begins the eroison of your soul that the idiot characters chip away at all though the game. Things you like about the game fade, like the combat, fade into the mist of your white hot rage. You have had enough of Snow whining like a bitch, enough of Vanille sounding like she has diarrhea every battle, and you certainly can’t take any more jackassery from the plot that refuses to go anywhere.

STAGE FIVE: The Reckoning (HOURS N/A)

You are now a slavering beast. Things like conscious though, showers, and hygiene are meaningless in your new world of blind venomous rage. You slam on the eject button, rip the DvD (or Blu-Ray) out and proceed to do things to it, that if it were a person, would land you some serious jail time. Your at the point that you print photos of the characters just so you can burn them and stomp them to bits of ash.

STAGE SIX: Catharsis (HOURS N/A)

The evil vanquished at last you begin to go about your life again. You will never be what you once were. The scars will always sting. You have been forced to bear a greater weight then even Frodo. Your only recourse is to clense your spirit wish something that can sooth your pain, but only one thing can make you believe in good JRPGs again…..